Something is Happening

What is feminized behavior in a man? It’s often misunderstood to mean “feminINE” behavior but there’s a distinct difference. I’d define feminized behavior as “any thought, word or action implemented by a man in a style usually displayed only by a woman”. A deeper definition might be any behavior or thought process that has it’s ROOTS in feminine type motivation. Below is a list contributed by MaculineVirtues.com. Some common behaviors today are “aplogizing” for who we are as men, arguing or competing with our women, being needy, and compromising yourself to please others. So have a good laugh, don’t take yourself too seriously and light a cigar, grab a hustler, and let’s read!

You may be feminized if . . .
(collected wisdom from many men)
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you think learning an arcane language just to order a damn cup of coffee is engaging
(auto parts, stereos, computers, are ok!)
your wife or your girlfriend ever said ‘whatever happened to the man I met??’
you think that you’re not feminized
you find yourself thinking ‘maybe she’s right’
you argue with your woman
you ‘win’ that argument
you struggle with decisions or other people
you ever said ‘I know this is politically incorrect but’
you feel you have to take someone on
you answer the phone every time it rings
you don’t have a place on this planet (a den, cave, sanctum sanctorum) that is absolute, inviolate, and your own, and she knows it and honors it
you want sex more than she wants it
you don’t trust your woman or she doesn’t trust you
you find this web site exasperating or disgusting
you feel that you understand women
you’re afraid of being taken advantage of
you have trouble listening
you do things that trouble you to please others
you have a chip on your shoulder about certain things
you think men should unite and stand up for their rights
you think you should discuss your feelings with your woman
you ever said ‘a real man would’
you find yourself defending yourself
your words say more than your actions
you reveal more by what you say than by what you don’t say
you answer yes/no questions with something other than yes or no
you live alone and have more than 1 bottle (unscented) in the shower
you live with a woman and have any bottles in the shower
you don’t cooperate with your woman
people wonder where you stand as a man
you try to ‘help’ a relationship
you need to buy cologne more than once every two years
your best friend is a woman
you blanch at the thought of cleaning a fish
you think men are violent
you think certain occupations or livelihoods are better than others
the work you do for money is a major part of your identity
you try to fix your woman’s problems or give her advice
you have guilt or shame you can’t do anything about
voice mail systems cut you off before you finish recording your message
you have only a few (or no) male friends
you can’t or won’t help people you don’t like
you feel uncomfortable eating in a parking lot
you spend 1 minute or more in front of the mirror exclusive of shaving in the morning
if you have a comb at all, it gets used more than twice a day
you socks always match
if you think ritalin should be used more widely
if you think your balls are all the masculine credentials you need or want
you experience very much doubt or indecision
you bust butt to save a few bucks - instead of just earning more
you always stifle belches and farts
you enjoy shopping rather than surgical mall strike missions
your negotiations in business are a zero sum game
you’d be unable to horse doctor a person or an animal to prevent worse injury
there is nothing you would die to protect, including 1 or 2 of your own ideals
you’re unable to live up to principles you try to hold others to
you try to give your woman what she says will make her happy
on important matters, you get advice from lots of people
you ignore advice that you paid for
you try to hold anyone other than yourself accountable
you have great, intimate conversations with women who you don’t intend to take home
you wonder what you should do if a woman is abusive to you
your own needs go unsatisfied because you are thinking of others
you feel you communicate well verbally with women
if you think women, more than men, are a force for good in our society
you recoil at the thought of being called a jerk
if you don’t know the difference between a fuel injector and a muzzle brake

Incidentally, there’s nothing wrong with feminized behavior. As men however, feminized behavior that we are unaware of hurts us and hurts those around us. It moves us away from our power. Choiceful feminine behavior can serve us - I heard a man once say that leadership is feminine, and after some thought, I agree. Feminine behavior out of unawareness or ignorance is way ‘unhelpful’ for a man.

Most men and most women have learned feminine roles thoroughly. Women do engage in a lot of masculine practices. Women don’t seem to have any problem integrating both roles without thought.

But men who don’t learn masculine behaviors thoroughly (and these are not taught in school) and who engage unthinking in feminine behavior are but pale shadows of who they could be as men. Current society and culture elevates feminine roles and values and deliberately diminishes masculine roles and values. Young people educated in today’s society are clueless about masculine behaviors. Boys must learn how to become men before they can start to become fully vitalized human beings.

This article posted by permission of author Ron Robinson from his website MaculineVirtues.com

If you’re anything like me, you stop and wonder every so often what your “job” is as a husband. How am I doing? Can I do more? Am I doing too much? Am I becoming too domesticated?? Again, if you’re “anything like me”, the ONLY way you know the answer to the question “how is my marriage doing?” is by asking HER! So what follows is a sort of a grocery list, or “to do” list of things to “do” in your marriage or long term relationship so that you know whether you’re doing your “job” or not. This list is based on the following assumptions and truths:

1. Men are action oriented and perform best when they have specific tasks that they can attach a “success or failure” or “yes or no” to.

2. Men have absolutely no relationships skills and therefore need a simple list to follow. This is not meant to be demeaning to us men, it’s just a truth that we are hard wired differently than women and “relationship skills” are not one of the things we’re wired FOR.

So here’s the list!

Be master of your territory
This is a twofold task. The first part is about having an area or place in your home that’s ONLY yours. It could be as simple as a drawer in your bureau but more than likely it will be the garage, a room in the basement, something like that. You make it clear that NO ONE is to enter it without your permission. Keep it exactly the way YOU want to keep it. It’s an extension of you where you can go and be yourself and NOT have to be socially acceptable, clean smelling, watch your language or be politically correct. The other benefit is that it’s a way to separate from the rest of the family when you need some down time, or “cave” time. Make sure you don’t do anything to “encourage” encroachment. Strange smells leaking uptstairs from your basement lair will encourage the woman of your dreams to sneak in and use some sweet smelling spray.

The second area of your territory is to know what you’re responsible for, and more importantly, what you’re NOT responsible for. This is all about trust and cooperation. Examples might be who brings home the bacon? Who pays the bills? Who decides what school junior goes to? If you’re married, you probably already have these mapped out, but maybe not consciously. Maybe you and your spouse are having repeated arguments about how long little sally has to stay in time out. Do we spank or not spank, things like that. It pays to know whose territory is whose, not only so you can master yours, but also stay out of hers! I am responsible for the lawn, income into the house, investments, both my businesses and my wife is in charge of household finances, ANY negotiations and our image in church and community. Often times, when we have disagreements, it’s in the area of one of us encroaching upon the other’s domain.

My advice to men is to be liberal about telling your wife what is NOT your territory, but be careful how much you verbally admit to. I always prefer to err on the side of caution when it comes to giving my wife anything to hold me accountable for. She’ll make up enough on her own! Again, not a sexist slam, just a reality. You do NOT want to give your woman any more than is absolutely necessary to hold you accountable for.

Give listening time
Give your woman 20-30 minutes of absolutely riveted attention each day. It can be at the beginning, middle or end of the day, or a few minutes here and there. Here’s a clue that you’re NOT doing this. “You NEVER listen to me!!”, or “What did I just say??” - If your wife is constantly complaining that you don’t listen, or testing to see if you ARE listening, guess what? You’re probably not listening! That’s the wonderful thing about wives. They WILL tell us exactly what they need if we learn to listen. Not what they WANT, but what they need! The benefit is always found by listening to the “action”. What are you telling your wife when you stop what you’re doing and make her the center of your attention? That she’s important to you and that what she’s saying is also important to you. Which leads us to …

Be keeper of her self esteem
Want a sure fire way of keeping your married life nice and calm and pleasant, as well as have a doting, happy wife? Only create self esteem building words and actions. A wife can ONLY love you as much as she loves her self AND she can only accept as much love from YOU as she has for herself. That’s a simple, absolute formula. When you begin to love her or show her more love than she has for herself, she’ll begin to subconsciously sabotage the relationship. By contributing only self esteem building words and actions to your wife’s life, you’ll enjoy the benefits as much, if not more, than her. One rule to keep in mind is that woman thrive on praise while men thrive on challenge. So different tactics are required, and often you can come up with some great ideas just by using that one simple rule. Here’s a classic; your wife has put on a few pounds and she’s lamented to you to encourage her. From a masculine standpoint you might “challenge” her like you would a friend, but that will only hurt her feelings and lower her self esteem. Using an angle like “Hey, those workouts are REALLY starting to pay off, honey” will work MUCH better than “Hey, put that twinkie down, you want to get as big as a house?!”

Cooperate without Selling Out
This is vitally important, but filled with nuances and traps. This is about cooperating and compromising on things that are unimportant to you while maintaining your “terms” as a man. Vacation plans, helping around the house while your wife is working extra hours, being nice to the in-laws. The key here is “what can I do to make my wife happy without handing over my balls?”

Let her know what’s going on without dumping the emotion
Since the sixties, the “sensitive man” has come to be a household name. This man, when telling his wife how his day went, likes to share his anger, his fears, his insecurities as well as his triumphs and kills. For the benefit of the third entity, I advise men to simply deliver a more cleaner, polished, “woman friendly” product. Take the emotion out of it. It is NOT a good idea to share the ENERGY of your feelings with your woman. She needs a rock, someone who’s the “same” no matter what’s going on. (don’t ask her if this is true, if she’s a modern woman, she’ll tell you it’s not and that she needs you to be expressive and in touch with your feelings. Don’t blame her, she doesn’t know any better!)
When you “go deep” with your feelings with your woman, it scares her a little. She can’t go that deep with you, and the BIG one … she will most likely take SOMETHING you say personally, which violates #3 (be keeper of her self esteem). In addition, when you dump negative emotions on her, you’re exposing your weaknesses and that’s just not a good practice in a male female committed relationship. That’s what your “men” are for. You DO, however, need to LET HER KNOW what’s going on with you. She is the “relationship manager” and she needs that information much like the CEO of a corporation needs to know how sales and profits are doing to make his decisions. Here’s an example of an emotional vs. “cleaned and polished” version.

My boss has REALLY been riding me, and I don’t know HOW much longer I can take it. Everybody else seems to get ahead at that office and this guy really has it out for me.
Here we have a little whining to start off with. (weakness when she needs a rock), you’re frightening her with the comment “I don’t know how much longer I can take it”. Translation: I might come home tomorrow and tell you we no longer have money coming into the house. Weakness. (I’m the only one who doesn’t get ahead, therefore I must be weaker than the rest).

Honey, if I seem a little on edge this week, it’s been a hard week, boss is giving me grief, deadlines and all that garbage. Not a problem, it’s not you, and it’ll all be better next week. I love you!
Here you’ve given her the tools she needs to “manage” your relationship. She’ll probably egg you on for a little more detail, but don’t give it to her. She’ll be grateful whether she admits it or not. You’ve shown her your strength by being able to deliver such news without “needing” any sympathy from her, you’ve assured her there’s nothing to worry about and that it’s “finite” (all be better next week).

Try this as a 30 day excercise. Let her know how things are going, say once a week or more if needed, and keep your insecurities, doubts, fear and anger out of it.

Give her great sex
Give your lady the best sex you can give. If you have a LOT of sex, at least take time on a regular basis to make it “world class” and all about her. (Yeah, I know, you ALWAYS give world class sex, me too! grunt, hoo-ah!) If you have it once a week, once a month, then ALWAYS make it your best. For men, it’s about getting laid. When we’re in a great mood, it’s about getting laid, when we’re feeling needy and insecure, it’s about getting laid, when it’s raining, hailing, sunny or mercury’s in retrograde, it’s about getting laid. (Isn’t it elegantly simple being a man?). For women, their self esteem is connected. Remember, women have relationship skills, so they’re using the quality of the sex as one more measure of the “status” of the relationship. Women subsconsciously know that you just want to get laid, so by making it all about “them”, they now subconsciously know that they are important enough to you to slow down and focus on them. I’m lucky in this respect in that it’s always given me more pleasure to pleasure my wife than to receive it. Something about seeing her … oh, hi honey, didn’t see you standing there!! Oh, nothing, just writing in my journal … uh, are you busy in a few minutes???

So slow down, learn to LOVE spending time pleasuring just HER - (I think you know what I’m talking about - it rhymes with beating pushy). Make it about loving her, showing her as much pleasure as you can stand.

Regularly do things to show her how much you love her.
This is alot of fun, but it can be daunting if you make it more complicated than you need to. Every so often, on a regular basis, do something outrageous that shows your woman that she is cared for, important and the love of your life. Again, this falls in line with women’s unconscious understanding that this is “hard” and “undesirable” activity for men. The fact that we got out of our own way and made it happen appeals to women on many levels.

1. They “get” that we love them and work hard to show them (great for self esteem)
2. They “get” that we’re multi dimensional and can get OUT of our comfort zone all by ourselves
3 They “get” that we’re just great guys!!

The possibilities are endless, but these are the things that go into the “relationship bank” of the “third entity” as deposits and make the relationship stronger and stronger. By doing these things on a regular basis, and “tracking” yourself, you can honestly and accurately know in any given moment how you’re “doing” in your relationship. If your relationship ends, and you KNOW you’ve done the above with any measure of excellence, you can rest assured that you’ve done your best.

I want to take this time and speak of a barrier that we all, as members of the human race share that hinders our forward movement toward becoming the next best version of who we are. This simple yet monstrous edifice is called “I already know that”. Some of it’s cousins? Oh, yeah, I already do that, used to know but had forgotten, OR even I WOULD do that but can’t because (fill in the blank).

The source of this reaction, context or “reflex” if you will is the need to be right, and it’s first cousin “the fear of looking bad or fear of rejection”. Every word that comes out in a social setting is one more opportunity for our percieved identity to be ripped down, piece by piece, until finally the “real us” stands there naked, scared and cold to be rejected by the masses as “ordinary” and “unloveable”.

Sound melodramatic? Maybe, but it’s pretty close to how we operate in our lives. Reflect on how you speak of others, especially after a social gathering like an office party, dinner out with your favorite couple, etc.

What we develop as a defense mechanism are tools such as “I already know that”. Meaning, I am as good as you, you cannot teach me anything, because if you did, that would mean I am “less” than you in some way. Ah, the ego’s glorious game! So the effect is that our mind becomes “closed”. We act like we listen, might even remember the “content” of the conversation for a few hours, but eventually our ego sweeps away the remains of the lesson like so much debris and the lesson is lost.

So I encourage you to spend 7 days being aware of, and gently refraining from, letting people know that you ALREADY KNOW THAT. It will be like writing with your left hand at first, I promise you. I already do the excercise on and off throughout the month and it’s a collosal effort. ESPECIALLY when I arleady DO KNOW that, and some pompous ass is lecturing me like a child!! Great excercise though and this is one of those “personal development” excercises that WILL YIELD results. Period, end of discussion. Please let me know how it goes!

Before any man gets hitched, ties the knot and settles down, there are a few things and man should be, do or have before he does so. These “pre requisites”, in various forms, can be found throughout the earliest societies on earth.

1. Be an island unto yourself
This means basically to be able to be independent in all important areas, such as financially, emotionally and even sexually. Stated the opposite way, “do not “NEED” your woman in any way”. This does not ELIMINATE the possibility of having a wife who works while you stay home with the children and other similar arrangements, but again, it’s more of a “where are you at” situation. If you’re feeling resentful or competitive with your “financially superior” wife, then you are NOT and island unto yourself. This is really about “needs” and “neediness”.

2.Be clear about the reasons you are getting married.
There are really only TWO reasons for a MAN to get married. These are the only reasons that are not “fear based” or “needy”, like being alone, companionship, etc. They are “To be a mother to your children”, and “The unconditional acceptance and love of a woman”. The first is pretty simple. You need someone to raise your children, nurture them, be an expert at the art of “relationship”, which you are not. The second is a bit more esoteric, but just as powerful. When you have a woman by your side who adores and worships you, it gives you strength and power and desire to be MORE. The best marriages I’ve seen have partners who make each other want to be better husbands and wives. This is the concept here. When a woman treats his man with respect and gushes over him and adores him and makes him feel like a million bucks waiting for change, he’ll want to go out and MAKE a million bucks and not even wait for the change!!! Treating a man like he’s always coming up a little short usually leads to a man who does just that. Comes up a little short. Why try harder with a woman you can’t please? I’ve had both situations and I’m with a woman now who worships the ground I walk on and I gotta tell you, I can’t be stopped!!

3. Know what you’re getting into!
Does this woman fit in with who you are as a man? Is it actually going to IMPROVE your life? Are you compromising anything about yourself to get into the marriage? It should be BETTER to be in the marriage than NOT be in the marriage. Will this woman surrender and trust you or will she fight you every inch of the way? Do you find yourself “explaining” or “defending” her alot? I know a musician friend of mine who has a whole litany and story about the reasons his wife is so miserable. It’s amazing, and you know right away it’s not the first time he’s recited it. He’s also a GREAT man for doing this, now that he’s married and has 2 little boys. He’s surrendered to the situation he’s in and he’s committed. KNOW who you are and the kind of woman you want to be with. Don’t get side tracked by great sex or movie star looks.

I’ve decided to conduct an experiment. It’s one I’ve really already started, just not consciously. It’s outrageous, outlandish, and might just make me the laughingstock of the PTA and readers of “parenting” magazines worldwide. It’s an experiment called “acting as if my child is just a smaller, less life-experienced adult”.

Now you might be thinking this is about “reasoning” and “explaining” and all the other “kinder, gentler” neo-nanny ways of dealing with children that all the movies make fun of. And you’d be right, sort of, but with a twist. This experiment isn’t about reasoning, explaining or really any action at all, it’s simply about a contextual shift. A shift in how I look at my child. I”m going to pretend that she’s another person living in our home and whose needs, wishes and feelings are all as important as ours. What?! You mean she gets to eat candy all day and watch cartoons and stay home from school and it’s ok if she tells you to go take a flying leap when you tell her to situp straight?? No, I’ve seen that experiment. It’s called the “big sap let’s little person walk all over them so their child will be their friend” trial. No, this is just taking a look at our children and “cross referencing” how we’d feel or treat each other as adults in similar situations. Here are a few observations and ideas going forward with this experiment:

1. Importance: The notion that because we are more highly skilled and go out and work, that our time and activities are more important. This is an easy one to keep and defend. I mean, hey, the kids wouldn’t even SURVIVE if it weren’t for our dilligence and discipline and willingness to slave away all day … and so forth and so on. So here’s another way of looking at it. How important must a child be to have TWO adults, whose most important, critical job in their whole lives is the care of this one, little person? Not to mention the babysitters, nannies and teachers involved. Do you have that many people who’s purpose in life is to make sure you have everything you need??

So my experiment will involve acknowledging that my child does not yet have the education, knowledge and wisdom to share equally in the decision making but to also help her acquire those things and still involve her. So that she feels like she’s truly a part, I will explain to her why her wishes are or are not being honored and take the time to help her feel like she’s truly a part of whatever decision we’re making. I will also really listen to what she says, the same way I listen to my wife (when I’m being a good listener!! And she lets me know when I’m not!!)

2. Displays of emotions
Our current belief goes something like this; “when a child cries, pouts or throws a tantrum, they must be punished or sent away to their room to show them how innappropriate that behavior is.” Now I think we’re on the right track, but missing the other half of the equation. We must also show them HOW to deal with their emotions in a society that is “uncomfortable” with emotional displays as well as assure them that their feelings are 100% appropriate.
This is a really important one to seriously look at. It’s been ingrained in us generation after generation. Children are to be seen and not heard, I’ll give you something to cry about and I don’t want to hear it are all belief system phrases that frankly, we inherited from our parents, grandparents and those around us. They are part of that 90% of imprinted beliefs that make up our lives. Now that’s not to say that children don’t ACT innapproprietly when they’re pissed. We live in a society where you just cannot scream and cry immediately whenever you don’t get your way. This is probably the single most unhealthiest aspect of Western civilization. The fact that we cannot say “@#$! you” when someone says or does something that we feel angry about. I am convinced that if we could simply tell people to go (blank) themselves when we’re pissed at them, our murder and domestic violence statistics would drop by 50% in one week. (I am now accepting challenges to this notion!) - But, the way our society is setup is a “greater” reality and we have to work within the greater reality or become a martyr. I choose the easier “work within greater reality” scheme for this experiment.

So the key is to help my child BOTH understand that there is a time, place and method to EXPRESS emotion and also that it’s ok to feel the way they’re feeling and that they have every right to feel that way and to HELP them and ENCOURAGE them to express those feelings in an appropriate venue.

Well, I hope this was helpful. It certainly was to me! We get by giving, teach what we have to learn and on and on! Off to start my experiment. What?? You want me to play barbies with you??? Are you out of your mind? I have important WORK TO DO!!!!!

This powerful, albeit overused phrase has always reminded me of steel faced, grim warriors, preparing to storm third world dictatorships and rescue fallen comrades. As I matured, and gathered more education and life experiences, I began to adopt a slightly different mindset about this simple phrase. My new mindset came more from a place of “absence of” vs. a sense of power or resolve. What I mean is that in situations where “quitting was not an option”, the option of quitting was simply, beautifully, conspicuously … absent.

The freedom that this state of being brings is almost indescribable. In fact, I’m having a hard time describing it. So the way I explain it to people is that when encountering a difficulty or challenge in some area of your life, you have a mental “list” of options that you begin to assemble. Quitting is not an option simply means that quitting never even shows up on that list. when it IS on the list, the other options are almost always less attractive and more difficult to pursue. Why? Because they require action, delay of gratification and often times, hard work. Because quitting, in contrast, is almost ALWAYS the easiest, quickest option, requiring nothing more than a talent for justification and a willingness to move into “victimhood”. Now of course, quitting really SHOULD be a viable option in some cases. Picking the wrong stock, moving to a job that more suits your purpose in life, etc. But how about your children? Would you put them up for adoption if they got a c on their report card? How about if one came home pregnant at 14? You and your wife or husband arguing about the best school to send junior? Most likely your answer is a quick, brow furrowed “no”. It doesn’t even come up on the “list”.

“Quitting is not an Option” is really about freedom and surrender, not really having a choice and accepting that you don’t really have a choice. The freedom to choose which of the other options will work, and then pursue them with all your energy. Surrendering to your path, knowing there’s no going back, no quitting. Accepting that you really “don’t have a choice”. Not having a choice about something simply means that you know in your heart of hearts that this is what you “must” do, and to do differently means living a life of regret …